The Local Elections and The Stupidity Register

First things first, where the hell have I put my polling card? Indeed where have I put my wife’s polling card? It’s all very well me instructing her on how to vote, but if she or I have no polling card we are in real difficulties. I’m sure they came in the post a while back. I must have filed them away in a safe place. I’m really good at that, I squirrel stuff away quick smart. Just in case.

Then I can’t remember where the safe place is. I think it’s middle age kicking in. Did I mention the other day that I’ve labeled some of the power plugs in my house?- it’s revolutionized my life. That’s not really middle age is it?- it’s just being prepared for all eventualities.

Plus, it allows me greater accuracy in which piece of technology requires a verbal assault for not fucking working.


Elections are great fun. Next time round I might stand for the Local Elections. I have a really well thought out set of policies designed to appeal to the Woodside demographic- Christ, I even read the whole of Tilly Tattle when it drops through my thoroughly respectable letter box.

I’m not exactly sure what Tilly Tattle is exactly. I think it may be some sort of community newsletter. It’s quite plush though- printed on nice glossy paper, with some nice design touches. Nothing to “Out there” though, I’m guessing some free fonts and a spirited HND at Aberdeen College is responsible for the design flair. It would help if they got someone to proof read the copy before committing to getting the printing done. I’m not being snobbish, it’s just better to check these kind of things. Hand it over to someone who’s not too close to the project, a little bit of perspective. I know, I’m really not in any position to comment, this blog is riddled with errors and Farquhar-isms. But that’s the whole point of Seagulls Circle my Corpse- It’s me un-cut and typing into the inter-void.

My policies chiefly centre around a concept I call “The acceptance and legalization of stupidity”, or if you like- “cuddle and cull the Cunts” this idea is coupled with a light hearted take on ethnic cleansing. People will die, a lot of them- but it will be fun for all involved. Lets face guys, there are just too many stupid people around. They can be tested and quantified under a brand new stupidity register. I’m confident it will work, I suppose the most obvious problem will be encouraging people to come forward and declare proudly their stupidity. This is really not a major problem. I’m hoping that the same drive for acceptance and fame will drive millions to get involved in the same way that those vomit inducing talent search TV shows work. I visualize a celebrity element, a lottery element and a lot of whiny heart rending back stories.

But how min? I hear you ask. Do you mean “How” or “why”, that’s the problem, particularly in Aberdeen where “How” means “Why”. Good lord! Aberdeen is a strange place, even the language is confusing.

I’m sure that the Polling cards will eventually turn up. I don’t even know when the date of the elections is anyhow. Yes, I’m that enthusiastic. I don’t even know who’s standing. I’ll be voting for the most right-wing party. If the BNP have fielded a moron for this I’ll be right on it. Stickers up in the window of my house and everything.

I have however found some Election leaflets to look at, nothing from any interesting parties, but I’ll give them a while. I’m sure it’s next week or something, plenty of time to pore over the literature and come to an irrational reactionary decision. A strong pledge to have Donald Trumps hairstyle comprehensively de-bunked would probably clinch my vote….

Next time I’m definitely having a go.



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